Sorting It Out
by Mainstream-Deviant
Summary: After a cozy Harry Potter marathon, a great debate breaks out between the conspireshipping boys over who fits best in each Hogwarts house. Strong opinions, fluff, and sass ensue. (Part of the YGOME2017 on A03, cross-posted here.)


**A/N:** _This was written for the YGOME2017 on A03, I'm cross-posting here._

 _The prompt was: "Much like that Thomas Sanders video where the personalities try to find out where they fit best, the Conspireshipping bunch tries to figure out what Hogwarts house they each belong."_

 _They asked for the fic to incorporate Sitabethel's reasoning from this post (SPOILER ALERT for the final sorting!): [apparently no links on this site - it's on my A03 version though...]  
_

 _And of course a disclaimer: I definitely don't own Yugioh. If I did I wouldn't just be writing silly little fanfics, and Thief King would have gotten some sort of proper closure. So there._

 _Enjoy!_

* * *

Ryou's apartment was pleasantly peaceful as the movie's final scenes played out. Bakura stretched his back out like an overgrown cat when the ending credits rolled by. "Not a terrible choice, Ryou. They needed a better villain though. I'd make a _much_ better Voldemort than that guy did."

Ryou raised a judgemental eyebrow from his place perched on Kek's lap. "Oh really."

"Well yeah." Bakura smirked and continued, ticking points off on his fingers and looking more and more pleased with himself as he went. "I'm much scarier, Diabound would make a much better snakey companion, and I even made a few horcruxes of myself. Perfect fit. Right Marik?" He turned to his partner in crime looking for support, but only got an amused snort for his trouble. Typical.

Marik smirked slightly as he considered his oh-so-fierce boyfriend for half a beat before replying. "You'd make a better Quirrell, really. A tiny dork possessed by the _actual_ bad guy." Marik pointedly fingered the Duel Monsters PJs Ryou bought for the spirit as Bakura sputtered indignantly. "See? You even have the stutter! There's your perfect fit." Kek burst out cackling at the look on Bakura's face while Ryou buried his gigglinng in Kek's shoulder.

"That's not-…Marik, you're supposed to be on my side!"

The blond shrugged. "Just trying to keep you grounded." He leaned over to peck the corner of Bakura's mouth. "Besides, I like your nose, I'd hate to see you give it up." He pecked the tip of Bakura's nose as well for good measure.

Bakura crossed his arms and definitely did not pout, because he's tougher than that. There was also definitely no sign of a blush on his cheeks, because he's very stoic and mysterious. Definitely. "Fine, I'll keep the nose, but I'd still be one of the Slytherins. Um…" He trailed off with a thoughtful look as he considered his options. He didn't get very far in his musings before Ryou cut in.

"Oh no, no way. We are not having a 'which character are you' conversation. If I have to get compared to Luna because she's 'pale haired and weird' _one more time_ …"

Kek blinked at Ryou's sudden outburst, tilting his head towards the boy. "When did that happen?"

"Ugh, nevermind. Let's just not go there."

Kek blinked again, looking confused. "I liked Luna though. She was nice. And I like you, and you're nice." Kek smiled happily and nuzzled into Ryou's neck, causing a flustered blush to rise on his cheeks.

"Well ok, I guess it's not so bad when you put it like that." Ryou smiled and ran grateful fingers through Kek's wild hair as the blond started laying kisses up his neck.

"Oh, get a room you two."

Kek peeked up from his work on Ryou's neck. "This _is_ a room, Thiefy." He nipped at Ryou's throat, mostly to piss Bakura off more, but Ryou blushed harder and gently pushed him away. He settled back into Kek's lap after murmuring something into his ear that made Kek's grin widen rather maniacally.

Bakura side-eyed the couple and muttered to himself. "…I don't want to know." He stretched his arms along the back of the couch as the pair settled. "Fine, no characters, but let's all at least agree I'd make a kick ass Slytherin." His trademark cocky smirk was back on full-force.

Kek narrowed his eyes as he considered the two sitting opposite him. "I dunno, I think Marik would make a better Slytherin than you."

"Hey! I'm reformed, you ass. Let Bakura have Slytherin."

"No, no, Kek's right." Ryou sat up straighter and his eyes lit up as he started thinking more deeply about the topic. "First off, Slytherins aren't evil by default. They get a bad rep because of people like Voldemort, but the sorting hat never once says 'and all the evil gits go to Slytherin'. That's just a bunch of ridiculous fandom stereotyping. What they really are is resourceful, cunning and ambitious. And maybe have some issues following the rules. That's actually quite a good fit for you."

"Yeah, we can be co-slytherins, Marik. We'll rule the house!" Bakura saw Marik's skeptical look and continued. "You ran an international card game mafia while using a secret identity. Tell me that didn't need cunning and resourcefulness."

"And you got Bakura and I set up with legal documents and stuff when we came back, too. How many laws did that even break?" Kek added.

Marik sighed. "Fine, but I'm sure I could fit into another less evil-sounding house too."

"Ok, first off, Slytherins are not evil, I thought we had established that." Ryou gave Marik his best don't-argue-with-the-DM look before continuing. "Second, what other house would you even go into?" Much like Bakura had earlier, he started ticking points off on his fingers. "You hated studying, so that's Ravenclaw out. You used a front for most of the fights in battle city, so you can't claim and reckless bravery for Gryffindor, and I don't think quitting your job for something new every six months counts as a hard-working, dedicated Hufflepuff."

Marik smiled a little ruefully and shrugged. "All right, all right, I see your point. I hope I look good in green..."

Bakura slung an arm around his partner's shoulders with a wide grin. "There. See? We'll run Slytherin house together!"

"And who said you were actually in Slytherin, Thiefy? More like..." A wide grin stretched Kek's features as he paused dramatically. "...Hufflepuff."

Bakura glared at Kek's manic grin. "Shove it, Ishtar. If I couldn't be in Slytherin with Marik, I'd at least be in Gryffindor. I did all my own fighting in Battle City, and some of Marik's besides."

"Pfft, that's just because you can't resist my good looks and you know it," Marik said with a wink.

Ryou had been staring at Bakura like he was a particularly interesting puzzle. "Well yes, I suppose you've been courageous enough, but I think Kek has a point, really."

Bakura turned his frown (definitely not a pout) on Ryou instead. "Stop siding with your pet psycho, Ryou, it's not attractive."

Ryou ignored the jibe. "But he's got a point, though."

"I do?" Kek gave Ryou a curious look. "I was just trying to piss him off."

"You do, love. Hufflepuffs are all about hard work, dedication, and loyalty. Bakura was dedicated to his cause for thousands of years. That's hard to beat. And it wasn't an easy road, either. I can't imagine how much effort it took to live on the run and raid tombs without getting killed or starving to death or something back then." He turned to Bakura with a smile. "Not to mention trying to stay sane with Zorc sharing your head. Even at your worst, you had ways you wanted to win and ways you didn't. That takes serious loyalty to your cause."

Marik smiled softly. "You fought for your family even harder than I fought for mine. That's impressive. And rare." He ran a hand through Bakura's hair as they shared an uncharacteristically gentle look, until Kek trampled over the moment with his usual grace and delicacy.

"Plus, you and Ryou are cute little puffballs with that hair, that sounds like a Hufflepuff to me!"

Marik laughed as Kek dodged the pillow that was immediately whipped at his head. "And you're an excellent finder. Usually by stealing things, but that's not the point." He smirked victoriously at the man next to him.

"Guuuuys," Bakura definitely-did-not-whine, "no. I'll even take Ravenclaw before Hufflepuff. My Monster World campaigns are almost as fancy as Ryou's, that takes brains."

"I help you with those though."

"Shut up Ryou, no one asked you. I'm trying to prove I'm smart here."

"As I recall, Kek figured out how to deal with the Zombie army in the last campaign, not you."

"...I will end you, host."

"Hufflepuff is a great house, stop whining. And it suits you, obviously. You can be Hufflepuff's resident wannabe badass."

Marik leaned in to Bakura's side with a smile. "Ooh, a Slytherin and a Hufflepuff together. What a scandal. I hope it doesn't ruin my tough new Slytherin rep, though."

Bakura groaned and slumped back on the couch with a huff. "You people annoy me. Fine, someone has to give that house some credibility. It may as well be me."

"Maybe Ryou can be a puffball with your grumpy ass. He's better at being nice anyways." Kek ruffled Ryou's hair up to show off his soft fluffiness while Ryou giggled and batted at his hand.

"Nah, Ryou's our Ravenclaw."

Bakura shot his partner a sideways look as all eyes turned to Marik at the sudden declaration. "You sound awfully sure of yourself, Marik. I don't know if someone who willingly put the ring back on so many times is all that smart. More like reckless. Maybe we can put him in Gryffindor."

Ryou sent Bakura a sharp look. "Hey! I knew what I was doing. It wasn't reckless. I was trying to figure out what the millennium items were all about! You know I love a good occult mystery, Thief, and it's a good thing I do, too. You needed all the help you could get."

Marik gestured to Ryou as he spoke with a raised brow, daring Bakura to argue the point. Before Bakura could do more than open his mouth in his defense, Kek leapt to his boyfriend's aid.

"Yeah, my Ryou is really smart, Thiefy." Kek beamed proudly as he nuzzled Ryou's neck again. "He's _still_ in school, he's the best in the class!" Ryou blushed a bit at the enthusiastic praise, trying to wave it off. "He should definitely be in the smart house. And he's reading another textbook on cryptids. For fun!"

"Well, my campaigns need to be accurate you know."

Kek carried on as though he hadn't heard his boyfriend's interruption. "Plus! He's the one that figured out how to get us back from the shadow realm, Bakura. Ryou _is too_ smart." Kek gave Ryou and enthusiastic squeeze and smacked a kiss to his rosy cheek as he finished his argument.

"There, see? When will you learn I'm always right?" Marik batted his eyelashes at Bakura is faux-innocence.

"I admit nothing. Fine. Ryou's a Ravenclaw. You're Slytherin. I'm trying to make Hufflepuff look cool again. Where does that leave Kek then?"

Kek shrank down a bit as silence descended and three pairs of eyes turned to consider him. "Well, I guess I have to be in Slytherin with Marik, if that's where the evil people usually go….." He looked down, going quiet even as Ryou sat up straighter in his lap with a frown.

"Don't you dare do that, Kek. First, do you seriously not remember that Slytherins. Are not. Evil. Stop it. And secondly," Ryou gently put a finger under Kek's chin, lifting his head to meet his eyes, "you're not evil anymore, if you even really were in the first place. Ah-ah!" Ryou put a gentle finger on Kek's mouth to stop him arguing. "Not evil. I wouldn't like you so much if you were." He placed a gentle kiss on Kek's lips, earning a tiny quirk of lips from the former alter ego.

Bakura side-eyed his former host and mumbled to Marik, "Are we sure about that?"

"I heard that, Thief. Don't make me come over there." Ryou didn't even bother to look away from Kek as he spoke, and turned his attention immediately back to his boyfriend. "And thirdly, you have lots of other good qualities, love. You've come so far since battle city." Ryou rubbed his nose across Kek's, smiling.

"Can we at least agree that the creepy snake-tongue thing is very Slytherin?"

"Hey, I like that tongue. It doesn't matter what house you put it in."

"Oh Ra, too much information Ryou. Why."

Ryou smiled at Bakura with all the innocence of a newborn cherub. "As I was saying, many, many good qualities." He cheerfully ignored Bakura's mock retching noises and gave Kek's throat a playful lick, earning a blush and a grin for his efforts.

Marik coughed to get their attention away from each other again. "So anyways, houses?"

Ryou settled back with an air of casual confidence. "Gryffindor."

Kek glanced down at Ryou, looking rather nonplussed. "You don't have to put me there just because no one's in it yet, Ry. I can be in Ravenclaw with you, I like learning things with you now."

"That's true I suppose, but Gryffindor fits so well. You're very brave, love. You took on all of Marik's hurt when you were young. You were literally made to protect him by dealing with all the toughest parts."

Marik looked at his other half thoughtfully. "That's true, you know. And you fought the pharaoh head on. I didn't ever quite dare to try it, no matter how angry I got."

"I guess…" Kek started to almost look hopeful.

"And you've got the lion look down. That's all that really counts." Bakura grinned and shot Kek with his finger, which got Kek smiling again at the thief's antics. "Besides, Ryou's decided. You're not going to change his mind, he thinks he's the smartest person in the room by now."

Ryou leveled a deadpan stare at the thief. "In this room, I don't just think I'm the smartest person. I _know_ I'm the smartest person."

Kek burst into gleeful cackles at the affronted looks on the other's faces. "Alright, if my Ryou says I'm a Gryffindor, I'll believe him. Rawr." He nibbled at Ryou's shoulder, growling playfully as Ryou once again tried to bat him away with a delighted laugh.

Bakura rolled his eyes at the display. "They're gross. We're not that gross, right Marik?"

Marik grinned. "Never, my dear Hufflepuff." He cut off whatever Bakura was about to grouch about next with a kiss.

 **...**

 **Closing A/N:**

 _I'd love to hear what you think. New authors like me are thirsty for feedback as we figure out this "writing" thing. I'd love to know what's working and what isn't. And since there's no "Kudos" button on FFnet like on A03 (come find me there, too!), that means - review it! ;)_

 _You can also find me on tumblr if you want to say hi, suggest a prompt for future fics, or browse through my million and one ygo reblogs: Mainstream-Deviant_


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